wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
