you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
