I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
