I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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