I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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