i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
