As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
