im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
