You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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