I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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