Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
