He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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