I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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