We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
