apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
