piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize