Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So here I am, sexting at work.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
