My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
