You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
