i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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