my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
