i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm like, not good at living.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize