the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
