i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
