i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
