so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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