Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
grandma shit on top of the toilet
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Randomize
