I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
