Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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