I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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