end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
send nudes
from the living room?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
