So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
