I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
