im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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