I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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