so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
