just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
