every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
