She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
