The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I've blown a few things in my day
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
