I hate all girls vehemently.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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