never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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