why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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