But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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