I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
