They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
