today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i need some magic done to my vagina
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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