so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
