woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize