You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
