i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Less talking, more tequila
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
