whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The Olympian is in my bed
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