I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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