A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
