he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize