The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
