I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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