I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
