I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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