I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
