Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
