I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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