It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
