i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
