Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
