and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
