how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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