if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
