I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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